If wishes were horses...

... then my backyard would be filled with manure.

Let's back up.

First, I wish I was more regular about posting. Certainly this blog would get a better readership if I were. The problem being, of course, grad school. I have three things due tomorrow, one of them an assignment and the others necessary steps for getting other assignments done if I'm to stay on target. Even now, this is still better than I've been about posting for the last, oh, two years or so, so I'm inclined to count that as a win regardless.

Second, I wish the news I got last night had been different. There was a thing I wanted and I didn't get it. People I esteem greatly who had great ideas did get it, and I am happy for them even as I'm sad for me. There's a lot of internal conflict to go around on this thing, apparently, although I think overall it would have been good. I always feel bad for the chefs on Chopped who are out to win as validation, because although I think that's useful, 3 our of 4 will not win -- those are lousy odds on which to stake your self-worth. Yet I think, given my reaction to the news, that I did the same thing here. My odds were a bit better, but still not a good idea overall. Because of this, I'm staggering a bit more from the outcome than I should, and that's something I don't have time for.

Third, I wish I didn't feel like grad school was such a gamble. I have the thing I like and I'm at least okay at it, if not good at it, and I want to keep on doing it. At the same time... what if the gamble doesn't pay off and it turns out I've fucked up my life and my kids' lives and my husband's life so I could chase a dream that isn't actually there? I am assured this is not the case and will not be the case. I like to believe this is so. But my frazzle level is high right now, I'm behind on a lot of things even though I'm mostly caught up, and I'm ever so slightly freaked out. I believe things will be okay, mostly, and I'm trying to enact some of that okay-ness. Fake it till you make it, if need be. Oh, and by the way, Matt is the best partner ever. I could say husband, because he is my husband, but I always feel like "partner" is actually the next step up. Lots of people are husbands or wives. Far fewer actually earn the term "partner" and live up to it. At least for me. So yes. He wins.

Fourth, I wish I hadn't been stuck with a messed up ankle this summer and I could have exercised like I wanted to and had planned on. Instead I lost the progress I'd gained and now I have to start again, basically. Full of argh on that one.

In the meantime, I will keep doing what I'm doing, and trying to apply for things, and not getting my hopes up when I do.

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